When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
