That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Operation Purity has been aborted
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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