Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
My hand turned me down
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
