This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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