fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
