I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
