One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
