he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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