I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
so explain again why im purple
no
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
