when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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