I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's blow job season.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
