Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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