I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
