I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
