I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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