My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
