I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize