I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Send help, water and tortillas.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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