So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
