Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
