the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
