is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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