Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
