y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
