Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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