I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
