Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
