I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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