i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
