I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
