i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
