Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
