I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
