my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize