Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize