4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
