I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
