Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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