Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
