it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
