this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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