Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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