i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
