Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
