Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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