Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
