Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
