i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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