Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
