I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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