Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
she told me i tasted like america
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
