I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
