ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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