i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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