the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
