fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If I die, sorry about rent.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
