He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
