I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
