That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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