Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
