Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize