i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
