Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
